I Am My Own Shrink

The Art of Knowing Your Why (Part 1)

I am my own shrink. Or at least that's the running gag amongst my friends and family. Not a shrink in the sense of self-medicating, or self-diagnosing myself. No. I'm talking about the role of listener, an objective (hopefully) ear in which to openly discuss thoughts and feelings, helping to navigate around, over, or through whatever we need to traverse to be whole and healthy.

With that being said, I am in no way shape or form dismissing the need of seeing a psychologist or counselor in the process of self-healing. I am speaking more about self-evaluation for the sake of self-improvement. Let me explain.

When I was a kid, I heard the Bible story of how Solomon, of King Solomon fame, when offered to be given anything he desired by God, chose wisdom over riches. God granted him this request (along with the riches) and thus the famous wisdom of Solomon was born, inspiring such famous books as Proverbs and Ecclesiastes from the Bible.

I was completely captivated by this as a kid and asked God for something similar: wisdom, yes, but I really just wanted to understand what made people tick, the whys of things. And I believe God answered the request of my pre-teen self.

Regardless of how or what you believe, it’s difficult to argue against the wisdom of being self-reflective, of understanding our whys, with this caveat: self-reflection is not the same as being self-absorbed, although I’m sure it can lead to that if we spend too much time gazing inward than outward. But, for me, it's always been about self-examination. And really, if I'm being honest, it's just about me having conversations with, and attempting to glean an understanding of, myself.

As a Gen Xer, growing up in the '70s and '80s, smartphones didn't exist, the internet wasn't yet a thing, we weren't rich enough to have cable, or an Atari, so my source of entertainment and preoccupation consisted mostly of reading books and my imagination, with the occasional watching of Star Trek, Doctor Who, and the Six Million Dollar Man. I didn't have the same distractions that exist today. So, my mind went a wandering.

During those days, I spent a lot of time by myself, alone with my own thoughts, both good and bad. I learned how to both be best friends and mortal enemies with myself. I would both love and loathe the person who I was. I suppose this could have turned out badly. After all, I was the most critical of me, the most unforgiving. I credit my faith in God for tempering a lot of that, helping me reign in the destructive thoughts which could have unraveled me. God and a mother who was unwavering in her constant countering of negativity with words of encouragement and positive affirmations from the likes of Norman Vincent Peale and Zig Zigler. At the end of the day however, it was just myself and God sitting alone in the dark, conversing, examining, being willing to take a long, hard look into the depths of my inner landscape and discovering who I really was, both the good and the bad. It is this ability to internally dialogue that has allowed me to work through so many fears, traumas, mental triggers, and psychological landmines over the years. It has helped me understand my whys.

When I was in the Army, home on leave before heading overseas for my next duty assignment, I began my first journal and found the process … invigorating! Why had I not thought of this before? I already loved the written word, after all I was a ferocious reader (although I did take this weird break from reading while I was in the military) and I had a passion for writing snippets of stories and song lyrics. My journal became the world in which I would explore my thoughts and feelings and served as an incubator for my obsession with wanting to be a writer. Flash forwards a few decades, and I'm still writing in a journal, although the nature of that has changed somewhat.

This is probably a good time to confess that yes, at one time, I did talk to a counselor. After returning home from the Army, I had a lot of anger, mostly directed at myself, some of it directed towards God, and a father figure who was absent. My mom made me promise to talk to someone, a counselor from her church who, interestingly enough, I had gone to grade school with. Strangely, I had no problem opening up to this pseudo stranger. I talked for almost an hour straight about life, about feelings, about … well, almost everything. Bob (not his real name) sat intently and just listened. At the end of the hour, I felt as if a weight had been lifted from me. There weren't any traumatic revelations, deep-seated fears or childhood tragedies revealed simply because there weren't any to discuss. I had worked out a lot of that stuff myself over the years. But the process of talking out loud to an active listener was cathartic and went a long way towards helping me find my way through what I affectionately call that time of my life as “the dark days”.

In the years since, I've had to work through some stuff. I've had to understand why I got myself into debt. I had to understand why, despite it being an obsession, I had such a difficult time sitting down and pursuing a career in writing. And in all honesty, I still don't quite have that worked out. And even if I did, understanding my why doesn't mean something automatically happens. I still need to make the necessary changes, put the work in. I can have a plan, I can set goals, but without taking any action, they are nothing but fantasies.

I could tell you that all of that self-examining and knowing my whys has kept me on the straight and narrow, resulted in dreams realized, relationships nurtured, success achieved. I could tell you that, but I'd be lying. Often times the understanding, the fruition of self-examination, only came after a crisis, after dealing with the fall out of a bad choice.

I can tell you that being willing to examine yourself, getting to know the good, the bad, and the ugly of who you are, is important for navigating this life, whether you talk to yourself, a confidant, a professional, or all three! There's no shame here, not from me. Understanding what makes us tick, understanding our struggle, understanding our whys, is all just information. It's there to give us the knowledge we need to take the steps we need to take to move forward, to achieve our dreams, to satisfy our obsessions. Just do yourself a favor and don't give up. I've never regretted moving forward, even if I failed. But I've always regretted doing nothing. Don't live with regrets.